March 14, 2015 by Mathew
Over the course of my adulthood, something I have found distressing . . .
Scratch that. Something that I have found appalling is the way a great deal of the husbands in this world treat their wives and some of the selfish reasons that they eventually abandon them.
I’ve observed one married couple where the wife might spend an hour or two cooking something for her husband. You see that she does this out of love for him; wanting his approval. If it doesn’t exactly suit his fickle tastes, he unceremoniously tells her to take it away and make him something else. The hurt and hidden tears this woman chokes back are unmistakable. I’ve heard the stories of many women whose husbands either left them or had affairs because their wife put on weight or her looks began to fade.
I counseled one woman who’s husband had, for well over a decade, blamed her looks for his mental health troubles. He had her change every aspect of her appearance and every part of her lifestyle that he thought impacted the way she looked – clothing, fitness, food, makeup, hair, how active she was, everything. After twelve years of her doing every little thing he insisted and having him, time after time, tell her on a regular basis that she was unattractive and that her unattractiveness was the cause of his depression, she was at her wits end. She had countless scars and wounds in her heart that she could no longer bear.
Before getting into the meat of my post, I feel something should be stated. If you can’t bring yourself to see the God given beauty in a particular woman, on her worst day, then you have no business pursuing or marrying her. In fact, it’s a pretty good indication that you need to work on yourself as a man and therefore, aren’t ready to pursue romance with the opposite sex. If you are unable to find beauty in most of the women you encounter then you haven’t yet grown and matured into what God intended a man to be. One of the primary duties of a man is to recognize, acknowledge, grow, and nurture – in an appropriate manner – the beauty and glory that God made into the female gender. Regardless of physical appearance, every single woman has immense, powerful beauty formed into them by God’s own hand. You can take the most physically unappealing woman, open up her heart and, at its core you will find a supernova of beauty, and light, and magic that will leave you blinded and breathless.
A couple of years ago, in response to the question being posed as to what the duties of a husband are, I wrote a brief description of what God has shown me marriage is like and listed some of a husband’s duties and responsibilities to his wife.
As I indicated in the posts regarding my testimony, for the past sixteen years I have treated and viewed my relationship with God as a marital relationship. It is from that spiritual marriage that I have shared with God that the following has been made into my heart.
Marriage is a stewardship. It is a beautiful, mutual, reciprocated stewardship. You are entrusted with being the caretaker of another human being – in full and on every level. Another person’s heart, soul, mind, body, emotions, sexuality, spirit, and potential in life has been given as a gift into your possession and become your responsibility. Certainly people have a responsibility to take care of and better themselves but, God clearly forms into most people, beyond a need for Him, the need for a spouse in order to reach their full potential as a man or a woman and, indeed, to expand that potential.
The best way to look at marriage is that both husband and wife are gardeners and the one they are married to is the garden entrusted into their care. This garden gives you nourishment and sustenance. It provides the food for your heart and soul. It is filled with endless delights and deserts, making life beautiful and satisfying. This garden is not only the source of sustenance for your inner being, it is your home. It provides safety and shelter. It keeps you warm and protected from the dark nights and frigid winters of your life. It provides shade and shelter from the raging heat of Summer. It is the one place in life where you are safe. It is where you experience joy, happiness, bliss, and ecstasy. It is where you go when you are broken, weeping, and need to be healed and cared for.
The responsibilities and duties required to be not just a good steward but an amazing one are endless and immense for both a husband and a wife. Here are a few of the more profound duties a husband has in regard to his wife.
God imbued women with a physically intangible power – a glorious, wondrous magic that grows, nurtures, and makes things and people whole and complete. It heals and shines light and beauty into the people and the world around them. The nature of a woman is to give of herself, of this divine power, until there is nothing left.
Don’t let your wife do that. Always make sure she keeps some of her magic for herself. Protect the light of her heart from her own selflessness, from you, from the kids, and from everyone else in the world.
As a husband, don’t drain your wife down to nothing. Men have a tendency to suck women dry – emotionally, physically, spiritually. It is your wife’s glory and pleasure to feed and fill you with the nectar of her beauty, with the contents of her heart and soul. Once you’ve had your fill, had your needs met, once she has given you whatever extras and treats she wishes and is healthy for her to do so – be satisfied and happy with that. Don’t continue to guzzle the contents of your wife’s being until there is nothing left! Stop and fill her back up! Most relationships I see, the men do this to the women and it is wrong. The women end up an exhausted heap.
– Plant, Seed, & Sow
The aforementioned magic – it’s your job to keep that fire, that lamp fueled, burning, and shining brightly. How do you do that? By gardening your wife. A great deal of being a husband is planting, seeding, and sowing. A husband should do this all the time but, a prime example of this is what happens behind closed doors.
Making love, as God intended, can be many things but, one of the primary intentions is that it is a time of joyful planting for you and your wife. You gently, beautifully open your wife up – heart, spirit, mind, body, and soul. She gloriously draws and reaps the seeds of life and beauty from deep within you; from within your own heart, spirit, mind, body, and soul – from within your own garden. Together you both plant those seeds within the richness of her being, the richness of her garden. When you make love to your wife, you aren’t to just make babies. It’s your duty to plant emotional, spiritual, and intellectual seeds within her that grow and are birthed as life and beauty.
It goes well beyond creating children. That feminine magic and beauty I mentioned above, it’s your job to plant the seeds of that within her heart, her emotions, her spirit, and her mind. It’s your job to tend to and nurture it and help it to grow inside of her. It’s your job to be there when she births it. It’s your job to take care of it with her after it is has been birthed from her. Exactly the way it is with a child. The beauty that flows from your wife belongs to you both and it is as much your responsibility as it is her’s.
Reach the hands and voice of your spirit into her and build her beauty, her worth, her value, her glory, her strength from within. You tell her and give her everything she wants and needs to receive from inside of you. You plant the seeds of your heart within her own. You not only do this when you make love, you do it all the rest of the time as well. Deeds done, things given, kind words, sweet nothings continually whispered, big things, little things – you sow all of this into her heart as often as you are able so that she can continue to grow new life and beauty within her and birth it into the world around her.
– Tend To Your Wife’s Beauty
I have come across far too many women recently whose husbands have left them because they didn’t think their wives were physically attractive anymore. These individuals are total failures as males, as men, and as husbands. I do think that a wife should make an effort, within the realm of reason, to make herself attractive for her husband. Far more important than that though – men, your wife’s beauty is your responsibility. If your wife isn’t beautiful, then you are not doing your job as her husband, as her gardener, as the steward and caretaker of her being. When she has a light fueled by her husband shining from within her, a wife will glow and be radiant on the outside like none of the other women around her. When she has the seeds of your love – the seeds you planted within her, have tended to, have nurtured; when she has these seeds growing, flourishing, and blossoming within her, her beauty will shine like the Sun. Believe me, if you are doing your job as a husband then she is going to be beautiful to you and to everyone.
– Join Your Wife’s Glory To Your Own
You never leave your wife behind. You don’t do anything without her. You don’t allow yourself to be anything without her. Don’t you dare shine without letting her be the light within you. She gets to share in your glory. She is a part of your glory – she is it’s primary component. You fold her into your glory, wrap her in it and then let her be the prime reason for it, let her be the center of it. Let your wife be the crown upon your head. Let her be the gemstone that gives you splendor – the work of beauty that God adorns your life and your very soul with.
You make your wife’s hopes, her dreams, and her plans a part of your own. Together the two of you join and meld them into one. You are no longer an “I,” you are a “we” and each one of you is at the core of the other.
– Love Her
When your wife is at her lowest possible point it is your job to love her and not leave her, no matter what. Beyond that, when she is at her ugliest, when she strikes and lashes out at you, when she hurts you; it is your duty to, not just love her but, to remain in love with her and continue to cherish and treasure her. It is your duty to continue to see her beauty and remind her of it, even when she is at her worst. That is husbandly love.
Your duty as a husband is to sacrifice yourself for your wife when necessary. You are to carry the burdens that she cannot carry, shoulder the loads that she cannot shoulder, help her when she cannot do something on her own. Be with her in the midst of her hardship and shoulder it with her or, take it entirely upon yourself if need be. You give yourself up to save your wife. Things you want, things you need, minor things, major things – even if it means you suffer, even if it’s your very life – whatever part of yourself or your life that you have to give up to ensure your wife gets to keep hers, you do it. It’s not only your duty as a husband but it is your glory and your blessing to do so. That is husbandly love.
– Don’t Allow Your Wife To Languish
One of the main duties of both a husband and a wife is to develop, prosper, and elevate one another to a place in their life that they could not have made it to on their own – to better their spouse in ways that they wouldn’t have been bettered otherwise. By this, I mean one of a woman’s primary responsibilities as a wife is help her husband to reach his full potential as a man. Likewise it is a husband’s responsibility to help his wife reach her full potential as a woman. You raise her up. You help her to become more than she ever would have been without you.
If she was meant to be something in life then you help her to become whatever that is. Whether it is a career, or being a mother, or being something else, it is your responsibility to work as hard as she does to get her there. It is your responsibility to help her maintain it when she does achieve it. If she needs a degree, then you help her get it. If she needs to be a mother, then you help her build and birth some babies and help her mother and parent them into adulthood. If she needs to grow and develop spiritually, emotionally, or intellectually you help her in her endeavors to do that. Whatever she needs to grow and blossom into her full capacity as a woman it is your duty to make sure she has it and to help her attain her goals. Husbands and wives are to grow one another, to cause one another to blossom and flourish to their full potential. Beyond that, they are to expand one another’s capacity then continue growing and nurturing until that is fulfilled as well.
– Heal & Soothe Her
Your wife is going to have scars, wounds, hurts, and pains. It is your job to heal and sooth these. It is your job to comfort her. It is your job to give attention to whatever pain and distress she is or has been in. One way to look at it is to know that your wife’s heart is absolutely priceless. Her tears are pieces of her heart fracturing and falling off. They are her hurts and pains. Don’t ever let a single one her tears fall to the ground, they are too valuable for such a dishonor. Instead you catch them upon your chest and let them flow into your own heart to be kept safe, valued, treasured, and cherished. You don’t let a single one of those pieces that have broken off from her heart get away because it is your job to help her put them back where they came from and make her heart whole and unbroken again.
– Surrender Yourself Into Her Possession
Part of your duty as a husband is to surrender the depths of your heart and soul to your wife. Let her taste and delight and partake of your mind, your emotions, and your feelings. Let her sink her hands into you and nurture, and heal, and build you up. Surrender yourself to her. Let her be your Gardner. Let her plant and sow and reap within you just as she lets you do within her. Let her prune and trim and beautify you from within – let her garden you. Marriage is a continual discovery of one another. Wives particularly, have a need to constantly go deeper, to explore deeper, to own and possess ever deeper and more fully the hearts, minds, emotions, and spirits of their husbands.
As men we have to wear armor, be strong and invulnerable, be a veritable fortress fully armed and guarded in order to survive in this world. When you are in the presence of your wife, when you lay in bed whispering to one another, you don’t get to be any of that. No armor, no defenses, nothing — just the core of your being laid entirely naked, unprotected, and vulnerable before your wife so that she might enter into it and roam about, partake of, care for, garden, explore, and take possession of as she needs and pleases to. You don’t get to be a tough guy with her. You let her have you. One of the most common, painful, and agonizing ways for a marriage to die is for the husband to be emotionally closed off and inaccessible to his wife. Don’t let that happen. Don’t make her starve to death because she cannot satisfy her hunger for your heart and emotions.
I see people and they don’t even scratch the surface of their marriages and the potential within them. I see husbands who grievously fail their wives and, wives who fail their husbands just as severely. So many people never even have a thought as to what the deeper meanings and purposes of marriage are. What I have written above is just a taste of what a true marriage is but, much of it people don’t often consider.
Anyway, those are some of the views of this never married, perpetually single, middle aged man.
Until next time,